Today I mentioned the word "burnout" while talking with fellow moms at a homeschool co-op. I was referring to church and how I'm so careful not to do anything...especially when it comes to children's ministry because I get sucked in...and burned out. We've been to a lot of churches because we are a military family so I've been through this process more times than I can count. I usually refrain from even mentioning that I am a teacher because then Im approached by a ton of other burned-out people looking for someone to relieve them...because they know I can.
The truth is ugly...at least it feels ugly to me.
I'm tired.
I really just want to sit in a service for once and really soak up the message...the experience. I want to be a part of the congregation, the worship.
I know the judgements will come. After all, I should be giving my talents.
It makes me feel so guilty because I know I have the ability and even talent to do it. Perhaps someday when I am not so tired and needy, I will be able to give of my talents so that other mothers can have rest and spiritual manna in worship with their congregation. I often get ideas popping up in my brain (but really thats a constant in this mega highway called my brain...the city that doesn't sleep) and it gives me the itch. This time, I've been denying it because it leads to burnout...every time.
I've decided to wait. Here's why...
A few years ago I joined this fantastic bible study while we were stationed in Texas. At the beginning, I was asked to fill out this card that identified my talents and what I was willing to help with. I must have been off my guard that day because I checked musical experience. I didn't even realize I had done it. I was never approached about helping with anything which I was so glad for...I just wanted to learn about God...I NEEDED to just be IN there.
But then I got the call. Literally.
This sweet lady informed me that I had mentioned musical experience on my card and they were in need of a worship leader. What was I thinking???!!! I've never been a worship leader!!!! I cringe every time I have to pray out loud because my prayers sound a little more conversational than formal and they don't usually make any sense to anyone listening! How was I going to lead? I think I said something like "I did?"...and then silence as my brain started racing. I was about to tell her there was no way I could do that...I was totally unqualified for that...maybe helping but not leading. Maybe I did say those things, I certainly can't remember because I was a mess. Something interesting happened though. As I often do throughout the day, I turned my brain power over to God (its the only way I know how to explain it...sorry). There were a few minutes there while she explained some things to me. I was probably thinking...God help me...what should I do??? Who knows because for me its not a dialogue with God per say...its just me opening up and receiving maybe. Either way...He knew I needed help.
Just before I said no, I said yes.
That did NOT come from me. Did it? I just listened to myself say yes to something I meant to say no to. The inner dialogue ensued. Well I did it again...what was I thinking...I added more stress to my life...blah, blah blah. Now I had to face the music.
The stress never came
I didn't get burned out
My stage fright took care of itself because I prayed like a mad woman every week while I prepared. I was pretty calm considering my past experiences. I prayed that all would only hear HIS voice in mine...because I knew that mine would not glorify God justly.
Even still, He knew my limits...praying out loud for a group is just not my thing yet...and I didn't have to do that. The right person did the praying...everything in its right place. He truly has his hand over that bible study group.
Before all that, while I was in college, I learned a lesson that I didn't really learn until much later. Anyone else ever had that happen?
It was my first time conducting a choir. Just like everything else in my chosen field of study, I studied like crazy but when I had to perform, it just didn't work. It appeared as though I couldn't do it. I was first up...it made my stomach turn. I was frustrated beyond belief and embarrassed and I was getting all tied up in knots because I could not get it right. But then something very gracious happened.
My professor told me to close my eyes.
Why he didn't just fail me, I have no idea. But it worked...I closed my eyes and it just came out.
I faced the music with my eyes closed...trusting
So what tangible lesson did I learn from these events?
Ultimately, it forced me to depend on him because there was no way to do it myself.
I'm not going to hide my talents when we find a new church.
I'm going to trust that God will let me know when there is a need...and I'm going to take care of my spiritual needs by saying no if I need to.
My need to volunteer is not necessarily from God but sometimes peer pressure and ultimately pressure on myself.
I'm going to trust that my church will not exploit my talents
I'm not going to let other's ideas of what I should be doing, navigate my life anymore. At least I will try. I've sure been getting a lot of practice in this lately.
If a program fails because I'm not doing it, then its going to fail. God is in control.
God is the great conductor and I'm going to trust him
I need to trust in the gifts that he has given me.
When the call comes, Im going to close my eyes and face the music
I challenge you to turn your face to the music...
Ann Voskamp said in her Facebook post today:
"The only way to lead a symphony is to turn your back to the crowd, the critics, the court."
sometimes your biggest critic is yourself...
http://www.aholyexperience.com/2014/01/how-to-cure-burn-out/
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